Where to take out-of-towners in London (without doing the cliché tour)

My family visit a few times a year. So do friends from abroad. The question every London-resident gets asked is some version of "what should we do for two days?" — and if you've lived here longer than three months, you already know that the answer isn't "London Eye then Tower of London then Camden Market."

The cliché tour exists for a reason — your visitors will want to see Tower Bridge, fine — but the version of London worth showing is the one you actually live in. Here's the version of a two-day visit that doesn't make me want to throw myself in the Thames.

Day one — the proper south London bits

Start at Borough Market. Yes, it's touristy now, but it's touristy for the right reason — the food is genuinly good. Get coffee at Monmouth, a sausage roll at Ginger Pig, and walk it off across Southwark Bridge. Show them the Tate Modern from the river side without going in (the queue is mad). Walk along the South Bank past the Globe, point at it, keep walking.

Late morning: National Theatre. Even if you don't see a show, the building is proper brutalism done well, the riverside terrace is open to anyone, and the bookshop is a genuinly nice 30 minutes. The kitchen does a fine plate.

Lunch: walk back across to St Paul's and have lunch at Sweetings (Tuesdays-Fridays, lunch only, the most old-fashioned fish restaurant in London). It's the kind of London your visitors will tell their friends about for a year. Or if it's a weekend, head to Padella in Borough Market for the pasta.

Afternoon: I'd split here based on the visitor.

• Art-leaning visitors: Tate Modern properly, then walk to the Whitechapel Gallery for the contrast. Free, manageable, and the Whitechapel's programming is consistantly the best in town.
• Fashion / shopping visitors: Coal Drops Yard at King's Cross. Skip Oxford Street (please) — Coal Drops is the actually-nice version.
• Foodie visitors: Bermondsey Beer Mile. Walk between Cloudwater, Anspach & Hobday, Brew By Numbers. Saturdays only, get there by 1pm.

Evening: dinner at St JOHN Smithfield (book ahead) for the proper London-restaurant experience. If it's booked, Brawn in Bethnal Green or Sessions Arts Club in Clerkenwell.

After dinner: walk to Smithfield and have a final drink at the Fox & Anchor. Old market pub, properly atmospheric. Bus home.

Day two — east London

Start at Pavilion Bakery in Victoria Park or E5 in Hackney for breakfast. Walk Victoria Park if it's sunny — the canal route from there to Broadway Market is the best Saturday morning London does.

Mid-morning: Broadway Market. It's a proper Saturday market, food, flowers, books, the lot. From there walk Regents Canal towards Angel and you've done the loveliest hour-long walk in zone 2 without paying for anything.

Lunch: Bistrotheque in Bethnal Green for the brunch (book), or the Marksman pub in Hackney for the Sunday roast if it's a Sunday.

Afternoon: Whitechapel Gallery (mentioned above), or Columbia Road Flower Market on Sundays only — get there before 11am or it's shoulder-to-shoulder mental.

Late afternoon: tea at Kettle's Yard? No, that's Cambridge. London equivalent: tea at the Wallace Collection in Marylebone, in the courtyard. Free entry, beautiful building, the courtyard cafe is the most underrated tea spot in central London.

Early evening: walk Marylebone High Street, Daunt Books, the cheese shop, La Fromagerie. Drinks at Donovan Bar in Brown's Hotel or 108 Brasserie next door.

Dinner: Lyle's in Shoreditch (book a month ahead), Brutto in Clerkenwell, or — and this is the genuine secret — Quo Vadis on Dean Street. Old club, current chef, the most "this is London" room.

After dinner: Soho Theatre for the late comedy show, or Ronnie Scott's for the late jazz set. Both are a tenner-ish for the late slot, both are genuinly good, both will make your visitors think you live the most interesting life on earth.

What to skip

• Buckingham Palace. They will not see anything. Walk past on the way somewhere else, point at it.
• Camden Market. Has been bad for over a decade.
• Big West End musical. £150 a head for "the Lion King." Soho Theatre is £18 and funnier.
• The Shard. £35 to look down at a city you can see for free from Greenwich Park or Primrose Hill.
• Madame Tussauds. Genuinly, why.

What to do if it's raining

The British Museum is always the answer. Free, mental, the Reading Room cafe upstairs is a nice quiet sit-down. Then the John Soane's Museum nearby — small, free, properly weird, the highlight of every Londoner's "if you only have one museum" recomendation.

The Rifio bit

Genuinly the most useful thing if your visitors are coming for a week and you can't entertain them every minute: send them the London this-week page. Filter by their interests — comedy, gigs, talks, food markets. They'll find their own way to the bits you're too tired to take them to. Saves the constant texting "what should we do tonight."

Two days, no clichés, your visitors leave thinking London is the city you actually live in. Which is the whole point of the visit.